Ties

I’ve had a rather large number of relationships for someone my age. Not as many friendships as I’d like, but several partners, lovers, flings. So, while I am not adept at endings, I am at least familiar.

Over the years I’ve broken several hearts and crushed a few spirits, though to my credit never intentionally. I’ve thoughtlessly injured lovers, kept them at arm’s length when I wasn’t smothering them, and basically been a grave disappointment. In turn I’ve been battered both physically and emotionally, given my heart away foolishly and been thoroughly disillusioned. I’ve suffered through relationships, exalted in them, drowned in them, and drugged myself with them. These relationships have ended in many ways- with violence, relief, desperate grasping, and sometimes complete understanding. I’ve left feeling both the victim and the asshole. My partners have been left feeling angry, frustrated, lost, and occasionally deeply reprieved. I’ve remained friends with some of them despite the hurt, jealousy, and feelings of inadequacy initially experienced because of the parting. I find this preferable, though not always possible. Even clean breaks don’t always knit properly.

So, with a heart heavy with parting, a soul riddled with guilt, and a mind gagging on rationality, here is some advice from the more pragmatic side of myself. If only I’d pay the fuck attention.

_____________________________________________________

You know that ache in your chest, the sore spot that makes it hard to breathe? No one can make it go away. No one can fill the void for you. It is like stuffing a square peg into a circle. If you do manage to jerry-rig another heart to that gaping emptiness, to placate the sorrow with a fond portrait of another you will only be disappointed.
Rather, learn to love yourself, to deeply appreciate life. Only then is it nearly safe to appreciate another.
People are fickle. Hearts, desires, lust and longing are ephemeral always. Even those who care for you, those with the best of intentions can wound you deeply. Often more so.
Therefore it is best to never give your heart away completely. Love is beautiful yes, and people of course are lovely, but both are as perilous as they are dear. So always keep your bearings and don’t forget your friends, your responsibilities, your interests. You are not the relationship.
Never make promises regarding passion. There is not enough fuel in the world to keep some fires burning.
You cannot fault honesty. Be honest with yourself. If you aren’t, you can never be honest with another.
Always walk with a soft tread, speak lovingly, and touch with a kind hand. Only cause another pain when absolutely necessary. Remember that compassion and empathy are priceless in any situation.
Relationships are ever-changing. It is pointless to demand them to be the way they “used to be”. Learn to appreciate them the way they are now, change something, or let them go. Accept that sometimes letting go is the only solution.
No matter how painful, messy, consensual, or respectable the parting is it will still be difficult. It will still hurt. You will feel all those things you never wanted to feel again. You will, yet again, be that person you never wanted to be. It will pass. I assure you. You may even carry the scars for years, but they will fade. Learn from the experience and you will be a deeper person because of them.

In conclusion, to everyone I have ever disappointed, gravely injured, loved and lost- I am sincerely sorry.  With all of my heart I wish you the best.

For all of those who have caused me pain, made me rethink my image of myself, and taught me how to treat those I care about- thank you so much for having been in my life. I am the better for it.

Namaste.

Sierra

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One response to this post.

  1. Posted by C.R. Sawyer on August 12, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    Very wise!

    Reply

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