Archive for August, 2012

Maybe I’ll finally be that damn rock on the beach.

As cliche as it is, I walk through life with death at my side. Never am I unaware of its presence, its possibility. I know how fragile we are. We are machines made for obsolescence. This world is dangerous. We are dangerous. Life is always fatal. Yet I do not fear my constant companion. It is a truth of physics that gives me solace. This vessel with fail and rot before it burns yes, but it was only ever on loan. My atoms wove this story of molecules, a fluke of chemistry made it aware. I am a walking cosmic miracle. I was not built for forever; I was built from forever. I am also a walking cosmic joke. A conscious sack of meat hanging on sticks of minerals, powered by the energy of the dead, filled with the stuff that makes suns explode? It is already absurd.

What we have done here is even more so. We were not meant to maneuver in a society billions strong. No, we were built to be a part of simple systems- to live quiet lives then die. This whole experiment in world-wide human civilization is one glorious fiasco. How can we be anything be our own doom? And yet there are those who wish for this absurdity to continue. They keep creating laws, ideas of propriety, meaning, new methods of distraction and destruction. Every breath I take I feel the artificial nature of what we have created, and wonder why no one else seems to notice. We are all insane, even those of us who understand the pointlessness of the whole exercise. Humans are how the universe experiences irrationality.

So, in all of my irrational humanity- since I’ve never found this existence comfortable and only rarely found it pleasurable, knowing that I will one day inevitably die allows me to live. It allows me to attempt to ignore the worst bits of being alive, while giving me permission to enjoy the best. (It will all be over soon I tell myself.) I’d never willingly give up the knowledge of my life being finite or try to pretend otherwise.

When my system fails I will not fear. No, I will relish the relief of knowing I can now go do something else.

Advertisements