Archive for April, 2014

Carl Sagan is my spirit animal

So, this one time, my friends and I decide to take some powdered “mescaline.” In retrospect, this probably wasn’t mescaline. We ended up calling it the “research chemical,” and man oh man, I lost my mind! I am not sure why I reacted so powerfully to it while my friends didn’t. I mean, they were definitely high, but I was in deep space in comparison. Honestly, most of it is a blur. (I can only assume chemically-induced insanity does that to a person.) So, I only remember bits and pieces, but some of those pieces were really profound. 

 Heh, right. A few highlights:
 I start looking at my friends and realizing that they are really an amalgam of all the important people in my life. Rather than thinking this is super weird, I realize that that there is a perfectly logical explanation for this- we are immortal beings that created the universe to give us something to do! We get bored, so periodically, we create worlds in which to live. The problem is, sometimes we forget that we are actually immortal beings! This can be fun for the others, because that means they can start mucking about with our world, making it so miserable that finally we call uncle. This is why I end up laughing about horrible things like cancer and war- I couldn’t believe what assholes my friends were for putting those horrible things in my universe.
 I keep complaining about being in the desert and being soooooooo thirsty, so my friends keep trying to give me glasses of water, which I keep not drinking. No, I take these glasses of water and empty them over my shoulder onto the floor.
 Apparently, I keep chirping the word “skillet.” My friends are confounded. (And, the next morning, so was I. Why “skillet”??)
  Finally, the story of the subject line. (My favorite part, of course.) There comes a point where I am just completely and utterly lost in my head. I don’t know where I am, who I am, and I don’t remember that I ever knew anything different. (I am pretty sure this is referred to as “ego death.”) My friends at this point are kind of freaking out because I have been acting so strange all night, and their anxiety is rubbing off on me. (More like leaking into my pores at this point, but, y’know.) I start having this flashes of horrible things, like the world ending and bombs going off outside. Things get really dark. But then I hear a voice. A soothing voice. A wise voice. It is like a cool rag on my fevered brow, as these things go. Finally, it occurs to me that this is the one and only Carl Sagan, and he is here to talk me down. He keeps talking about how everything is connected, that life is a web, and everything is so, so chill. Heh. I don’t know how long I listen to Carl, but I assume that I drift to sleep on the sound of his voice, because the next thing I know it is morning and it is time for me to go home.
  My friends didn’t tell me until a week or so later, but they thought that I was lost forever. They didn’t know if I would ever come back from deep space. But they didn’t know what I knew.
  They didn’t know that Carl Sagan is my spirit animal.


I must be vigilant. Always mindful. Because it is addictive. Addictive and sly. It creeps up on me, all familiar melancholy. Friendly. Like an old friend softly whispering “remember me?” and the draft warm on my skin. A caress. But it is dangerous. It’s soporific and narcotic, nearly sexy. An injection of sorrow strait to the blood steam, which doesn’t take long to seep into the brain. From there it trickles down to the chest, lodging there heavy and immutable. But this takes  time. To begin, it innocently masquerades as the blues. As nothing serious- just a fault of the light. It is sneaky that way. Drip-dripping little drops of gloom into my bright world. Like little hits of acid, bringing out the poignancy of the mundane. Ironically, making pretty things shine. For a time. Soon enough, though, it is no longer gentle. The sweet sadness turns sour, bitter, bleak. The draft becomes still. The air grows stale. My soft flesh becomes so much meat, my body incapable of holding any heat. It becomes insufferable, but impossible to ignore. I shiver, my heart heavy. I stare at my feet, my brain become so much dead weight. And for this, no reason. No decent reason at all. Just the result of a somber seduction, a lugubrious affair. A temptation by the darkness, and the inevitable surrender, by and by. So this is why I must be wary. Always mindful and ever alert. Because it is always only a matter of time.