Archive for May, 2014

Sustained by the Sertraline

It’s an uncomfortable fact, but I need the medication. It serves as a reminder that things are okay. The pills fill my synapses the same way they bridge the gaps between the bright spots of my day. They make me buoyant enough to float above the muck and mire that is my natural disposition. Without them, I’d struggle to remain positive, if I weren’t usually so apathetic. Without the chemicals to tide me over, the tide would take me out. But nonetheless, sometimes I forget that the peaceful bliss isn’t natural. I forget to take a pill one night, then another, until the missed pills bleed together under the growing pall of my days. Vaguely agitated, subtly blue, it takes some time for things to register. It takes some time for me to realize that, no, there is no reason for the misty eyes or the weight on my chest. I don’t know why it comes so slowly- the realization that there is no reason to feel so damn miserable that the sky is grey or that there are idiots in the world. Maybe it is because it feels so natural to me to be depressed. Settling into the blues feels like wrapping up in a threadbare, but familiar, blanket. And there are short lived benefits- self-pity feels pretty good, sad music is goddamned brilliant again, hugs are lovely, and cigarettes are fucking delicious. All of this is so familiar, so natural, that I almost can’t help but forget that I don’t have to feel that way. So who can blame me if it takes until the bittersweet melancholy wears off before I remember to take my pills again? Can there be blame when I can’t seem to help myself until the lead has firmly settled around my heart and my brain has filled with bile? If so, at least I have the cure. No longer do I have to stay in the depths I descend to; I don’t have to suffer long amidst the detritus of my morbid fascination with gloom. It’s an uncomfortable fact, but I have the medication. It serves as a reminder that things are going to be okay.